30 and Still Single

I’ve been trying to write this post for some time now. On my 5th attempt and listening to D’Angelo’s, 2000 Voodoo album, I may actually write this piece with some transparency versus trying to be politically correct.

I was conversing with someone recently who was telling me about how great their career was. He was a 31 year old single male who had relocated from across the world to do the job of his dreams. As he continued to share his experiences with me, I could sense his demeanour, his voice, his excitement start to wither. When I asked him what was wrong, he said something to me that I think I’ve said to myself a few times in the last year. He said to me “I have everything but I am still unhappy”. He continued to share stories about his friends who had gotten married, had children and different stories to tell. He felt excluded. I began to wonder if I was really having this conversation with him or if I was having the conversation with myself.

How can you have everything and still feel like you have nothing? You have no one to share your life with. No one to make memories with.  After a while it begins to be taxing on your mind, your spirit and your heart. Since the transparency window is open, I’ve struggled with this myself- And as you all know, I seem to find the lessons in everything. So I’ve decided to share them with you.

Spend time alone

I know this sounds like an oxymoron. But I’m serious. The reason why we find such difficulty being single is because we’ve become so dependent on always having someone around. Believe it or not, I get up and just leave town. I travel alone, I eat dinner alone, I go to shows alone and it’s perfectly normal. Yes, it would be great if you had someone to share these moments with- however, your life can’t be stalled simply because you don’t. Start small. Go to dinner alone. And don’t get me wrong, it may feel awkward at first, but trust me- as you continue to do it, you will began to find your rhythm and you know what else? You will also meet new people.

Stop Comparing

Let me tell you something. It’s so easy to look at other people’s relationship and wish you had what they have. However, you have to remember that you only see the highlight reel of their relationship. Relationships are HARD WORK. HARRRDDDDD, and you never know what people have to do to keep their relationships together. Stop comparing. It’s the same concept with jobs, money, houses or cars. You have no exposure to the intimate details of what people have to do to keep those things. Try to focus your energy on the uniqueness of you and how great you already are.

Everybody won’t be it  

If you are 30 and older then you’ve probably developed a habit of looking at everyone’s ring finger or even imagining what your new name would sound like with their last name. Pause for a minute please. I think I can go out on a limb and say that at some point in your life you desire a relationship with some depth. When you were younger, it was cute to have the matching fits and etc. However, the things you want at 30 could hardly be the same as the things you wanted at 20. Don’t find yourself trying to fit a square into a circle. If the person isn’t it- that’s okay! Move on. Don’t feel pressured to be in a relationship because you are getting older. I know the pressure is there. Trust me, I know. However, I just imagine that the best relationships are those with two individuals working toward developing a deeper understanding of each other and how they can live their best lives together. If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it. And if it does fit, work at it.

Be gentle with yourself

If we are honest with ourselves, we all go through those moments in life where we question, “Why isn’t it happening for me?” Think of it this way. At your job, you are so ready to get the promotion, the raise or the bonus that you ignore the lessons you are supposed to learn in the role/space you are in. I get it. I am here to remind you that “What you desire, desires you also” and I also want to affirm to you that “What’s meant for you, will never pass you by”. The sooner you embrace the season you are in, the sooner the unexpected things can began to happen. It has nothing to do with your looks, your career or the lack thereof. Stop questioning why it’s not happening and be grateful for the chance you have to still bloom where you are planted.

I hope this was as helpful to you reading it as it was for me writing it.

With more love than you could ever imagine,

Cari Jane